make me 

it’s not a feeling. it’s us. 

The last time I read a John Green book, I had no one in mind to remind myself of my interests. This time when I am reading his book, I do have someone. Someone I think about everytime the characters talk about this feeling we live in; love

But why do I feel he might not be the one.

Oh help me.

For I am not sure I’m getting at anything except being spiraled down a spiral of thoughts. 




productivity (& some motivation)

In terms of productivity this past year has been the worst. But I’ve improved in all other areas nonetheless. I could only imagine how much stronger I could have been if I’d used all the time I procrastinated. 

But anyway, here we are. And I’m starting my new year at school this coming Monday. I would say I’m excited, like I usually am, but this time it’s different. May be because of the anxiety part. But other than that I’m looking forward to these two years at my school. Last two years of high school. 

This blog post is more for myself, to tell myself to unfuck my life and get my chill on a holiday so that I can focus. But I’m sure it’s still relatable.

I have this addiction to internet, even if I have nothing to do that requires internet, plus have heaps of work, I still want to know what screen looks like and it’s unmarked and very harmful but it’s a problem and only small habitual steps will make my day get better at it. So to my future self: you better put that iPad away, far away in the cupboard or the desk, or in another room. Get your journal and books out. And start getting your shit together. 

Set your priorities straight. Write down your goals. Make a plan. Work hard, work harder. Conquer the world. 

Follow the ‘touch it once’ method. Whenever something is given to you, a work task, an exam date, a project or a reading. Start doing it then and there, right that day. Just start it and try to do more than half of it. May be you’ll finish it in a couple of days, or that day it self. Just do it. 

These two years for me is the time to be a fucking savage. Make moves. Accomplish your goals and stunt so hard on everybody who has ever doubted you. 

Once you know how it feels to let yourself down, how it feels to let down that one person for whom you’d want to move mountains, that moment of utter fierceness in you will bring out the best in you in the future. That moment, that eureka moment will make you work and work and work harder than you’ve before but may be some people don’t need to let others down. I did. And I’m telling you it’s not a delightful thing to experience. 

In this one week I’ll see the faces of more people whom I’ve let down. Faces of people who were expecting so much from me but they didn’t get it. I’ll see them this week. I am anxious. Very. But I’ll get through it. 

And then.

I will make sure that I don’t get demotivated or unproductive. I’ll make sure than I move the fucking kingdoms (of knowledge) every day. I’ll make sure I’m on path. And you should too. 

Some one line motivations and tips for ya:

  • Focusing, and not multitasking, will change your life. Multitasking only gives you an illusion of productivity, but you’re at a loss at the end of the session. 
  • Dreams mean effort.
  • If it’s hard for you to wake up early, tell yourself you want to watch the sun rise everyday. It helped me.
  • Plan lists and to-do lists.
  • Social media while studying is still social media. 
  • Pay attention when anyone is talking. 
  • Go outside often, there was a time when people didn’t get to go outside and they’d kill, literally, to go and get the pure air. 
  • Write down a small goal in first person, which isn’t true yet, for example “I know everything about the start of the Indian Renaissance” and work and work till that sentence is true. 
  • Remember, you’re not where you want to be, but at least you’re not where you used to be.

Good luck to everyone trying to stay motivated and productive. 

Here’s a wallpaper for motivation, which I designed and photographed; and I use it almost everywhere:

13 Reasons Why: Review and Mental Health Alert

This post is a Masterpost of everything 13 Reasons Why. The thing that has been trending and a lot of people have a lot of different opinions about it. This includes the reviews of both the book and the Netflix show. And remember: everybody is allowed to have their own Reasons and opinions. 

My thoughts on the Book

I read the book a couple of years ago, when it wasn’t trending. A couple of my friends read it too and it was an entirely new concept among us. And what I strongly felt about the book was disagreement. At a lot of different levels too. I’ve always been a person who doesn’t like self harm and at the time, I felt that the reasons just weren’t enough. 

Keep in mind that in the book we don’t feel Hannah’s emotions as much as we feel throughout the show. This feeling I had about her giving up when she could have done a lot things must be because of my own personal life. Having endured a lot of things since a young age, I know I cannot take everyone’s capacity to be like mine. And taking this into account, I liked it as the idea for a book, but I did not think that this is something people should see when they themselves are going through self doubt. 

What I thought about is, and still think to this day: there must be people going through something much much worse than Hannah, and after watching the show they might break. 

[I did not like the announcement of the second season, mostly because it does injustice to the book but I hope that they’ll make the storyline a bit stronger and hopeful.]

After watching the Show

[This is not about the cast or the writers or the producers. I absolutely loved the show as long as it remains till the fictional story and its characters within it. I loved the whole thing, the writing, the shoots and would totally recommend someone to binge watch as long as it’s not someone with deep issues. This blog is about the story and the people living in the story.]

Nothing has drastically changed after watching the show, to be completely honest. While going into the show I still had my opinions and thoughts of the book in me. So it was difficult to think of it completely through a new lens after carrying its idea since 2 years.

What I really liked is getting to know Hannah more. We could see her through herself and not through someone else like in the book. Though at times I had this strong feeling that she could have done things to avoid a lot of it. Not all of it. But some of it at least. 

Me and my friend had a discussion about it and she said, “May be when you’re in so deep with depression and self doubt, when you’re suicidal, I don’t think you really think of all the options in front of you.” True. That might be the case but not with everyone. Hannah had options, not only did she have them, she knew she had them. I was unsure if it was clear for those audiences but for me it was. 

Another thing that always makes me feel bad is that: she did not leave anything for her parents. Nothing. At. All. It’s so sick to think about. She was so engrossed in making people owning her death that she forgot about her parents. It’s not something we can just let go. He parents deserved to know Why. She was their daughter, their only daughter and they were just so broken after she was gone. You could see her mother’s light drained away from the face. 

She made Clay suffer for nothing. 

These are some things that I strongly feel about the show. Yes, most of them do not go with the crowds. But I feel that she was petty in nature. Not completely but everyone can agree me at least a little bit. You’re not bad if you think this. 

This show has a lot of potential and when I got the headline about the Netflix show of 13 Reasons Why I hoped to God that they would utilise this to the full extent. 

This season did not exactly reflect hopefulness for the people who are actually suffering, but the leading work is done by the team of 13 Reasons Why. I really like the work the team and the cast is doing to help the others who are in and out of self doubt and self harm. 

Yes, it sucks to be one of the people who thinks she wasn’t strong enough, but I’m saying it again, I’ve been through a lot since my childhood and am surrounded by strongest people I’ve ever seen, off screen and on screen. So this article may be biased by that quality of mine. 

It did prove to be a huge success and a really good show otherwise and may be a lot of the people did get help after watching this and seeing all the effect it can have on people. 

Oh, I really hope the coming season shows up with a stronger capacity than ever. 

what i feel

Since a long time, longer than a span of a couple of months, since about January I’ve had this utmost fear of something. I couldn’t shake this feeling away. I couldn’t really do anything when I fell into a hole and had to think about it. I worked and worked to make it better. To tell myself to keep it together. 

My fears did come true, but not in the way I thought it would. 

And now my anxiousness has turned into sadness and somewhat socially accounted anxiety. And I’ve disconnected already from social media because of it. Only going online when I need to. That’s saying something for me because I’ve this addiction to internet. It’s already gone.

Yesterday when I went to sleep, early, because I didn’t have any internet with me, I did not want to wake up and go through the day. Now, it was not in a dangerous way of thinking or anything. I guess I was just tired

I do not like this feeling. It’s never done anything good for anyone. Only may be sometimes led to worse things. But right now I’m feeling it and I don’t know what to do. And I am just trying to keep myself occupied through other things like writing or reading. I believe the best words come out through strong emotions.

I’ll heal. 

2016; what it was. 

I do not, for one second, think 2016 was a bad year. I may be biased because of my personal achievements and not really seeing the bad things, but though there were bad times, I’ve learnt. And though the world brok apart with all the things and emotions (Orlando, deaths, Alan, Christina, Trump, ISIS, clowns, to name a few) I want to reflect back to what the world was to me in 2016.

  • YouTube FanFest (in March): I attended the YouTube FanFest in March! And that was also the first time I travelled alone, without any companion. I got to see Connor Franta, Kurt and Superwoman and it was fantastic. Plus I was there with my sisters so it was fun. 


  • The Times Of India Internship (in Summer): I attended the internship at the Times and it was such an amazing thing to experience. From there on I regularly started writing for the newspaper and also became the NIE Coordinator for the year. 

There were cuts on friendships. You know, they just, stretched a bit too far. And snapped. 

  • Harvard MUN (in August): The HMUN experience was one of a kind. So many loving people, people who loved to learn, loved to accept and were amazing. We were from 14 different countries but they surely felt like a family. The committee meetings were not easy but interestingly challenging. And I can’t wait to go back (hopefully) this year. 
  • The Exams and Maths (September-October): Exams are not a fun time. And this time was definitely not a good one. At all. This is the last year I am studying Science and Mathematics and oh dear those half term exams were so stressful, sad and just not good. I don’t mean it as a whole because I improved a lot, a lot, this year. And that progress was clearly showing in my grades, but Maths stressed me out so much. Even after the exams ended and the results came in, I couldn’t enjoy the vacation completely. It was not that good of a time. 

I knew that post mid term was going to be so much fun because there so many fantastic things planned for the next coming months. 

  • The Test and Marshmello//Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike DJ Concert (In October): While on that stressful vacation from school, I went to a DJ Concert and it was So. Much. Fun. So fun. And other than that, I watched a lot of movies in those few days, plus did a lot of mathematics. 

After that, my stress was gone and God was I feeling like I was in an afterparty.

  • The Opera (October/November): I was one of the Scriptwriters for the Opera and throughout that time of scriptwriting. Which to be honest was fun, I do not want to forget any of it, and bossing people around for a perfect show, we had a responsibility, and we succeeded. All of us scriptwriters. We were also anchoring at parts, and did a lot of Back Stage work, and seeing the Opera go on was so soothing. So amazing to think of what it was and how it was.

November and December. Months of Travel and Glazed Eyes.

  • The Trek (November): In the mid November I travelled to another State for a trek in woods with friends. The trekking and camping. The food. The tents and the people. The tiredness. Oh. 
  • The Wedding (my sister’s) (November/December): This is something special. Those days. As I am writing this all I can think of is that exactly one month ago she was with me, I was with them, and I was living. Alive and full of energy. The love filled tears and the sparkly dresses. The car drive. The beach view. Getting ready each day, twice, for a ceremony more like a memory I never ever want to forget. I loved it. I love you. 
  • Decisions: This is also the year I decide my subjects for the next two years and I know that I am going to make something of both of these years. It’s scary. And delighting. 

I think my productivity was a little less this year. Though I managed my studies and subjects well, I know my productivity sank down a level. 

  • And just, personally: I think I am someone I was not last year. In a good way. I’ve discovered a whole new world and I love it. 
  • John Green: So John Green, (if you don’t know; he’s my favourite person in the whole wide world), gave me his room tour in on one of his live chats on my request! 

The coming year will hold a lot of goodbyes. I just know it. A lot of them. And though I think my connections with them won’t cut loose, I know they will. I also have a lot of expectations for 2017. I want to make this my year. I want to create content. Study what I want to. And enjoy every possible thing. For 2016, there was improvement. I know there was because I didn’t expect a lot of those things. And I want this year to be better?

I walk into every year knowing what it has for me. Knowing where I’ll be by the end of the year, but 2017 is different. I don’t know where I’ll be, what learning I’ll have with me. What experiences I will have. I don’t know anything. I’ll make it better. Somehow.